Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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