there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
