I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
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Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
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You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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