just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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