i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
