Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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