so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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