i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
