my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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