We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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