just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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