Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
