He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
