so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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