My underwear smells like fireworks.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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