I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
