i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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