You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
