The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
