What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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