it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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