oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
