just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
