rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
