he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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