I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
