She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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