LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
