It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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