I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
