i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
