i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
