This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
