I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
