guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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