Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
