hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she looked like the before picture.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
