I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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