Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
