I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
