i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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