I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this boner is exhausting
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
