The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Drunk is a universal language darling
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
