today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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