Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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