I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I want a musical about memes.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
