There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
