My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
