You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
