my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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