I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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