Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
