Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
