I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
