i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
