Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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