Whats the glycemic index on semen?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
