i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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